the textual siege.

chanced upon this pretty nifty idea for a meme [i know, i know, i havent even finished the previous one. attention span of a retarded tadpole]. so first i follow a meme and then i create one?

don't be alarmed at the swine flying past your window. just think of it as a flying bacon sarnie. om nom nom. or it's just your fat bastard friend.

this meme is deceptively simple, but it being a fantasy, it will suck you right in. so just imagine 24 hours in a day in the life of you 10 years later. meme, right there.

i tag sam, ming, hatta, lin

7am - get pawed and woken up partially by our retriever, not named marley. shoo him out, resume slumber.

8am - get pawed a second time by another animal, my sexy lucky husband whom i hope will still paw me at 70 when the grandkids are not looking and flash me a knowing, cheeky albeit toothless grin from across the dining table. ahh marital bliss, not as elusive as my silly 22 year old self had thought.

9am - emerge from the shower and get dressed then be greeted at the table by our gorgeous kids who thankfully inherited both mine and my husband's wry humour. as i quiz them on their third and fourth languages, breakfast starts appearing on the table. yes, sexy bastard husband [i abhor the use 'hubby'. gag.] cooks really well.

10am - waltz into my office, punctuality is not an issue when it is your little empire you greet.

11am - answer emails, read favourite blogs. just like how it was 10 years ago.

12pm - breeze out to meet sam and ming for our weekly lunch at a new place we haven't tried together and collectively bitch about the incompetency of our minions together.

2pm - reluctantly end lunch and head back to office. speak with in-laws whom i get along fabulously with to make dinner plans

3pm - wrap up plans on how to make even more money. husband swings by to pick me up and we take the kids out of school early as a surprise, to visit an aquarium [preferable to a zoo] and to prepare for dinner.

6pm - end a great afternoon by going grocery shopping together.

7pm - kids are almost dead from all the excitement so we leave them be and whip up dinner. in-laws arrive and we all have a great time chatting and eating.

10pm - dinner is over, in-laws have left, kids are dead to the world and it's just back to being husband and i...

you can almost smell the weekend already... the intoxicating scent of my eau de weekend carries top notes of getting lucky, perhaps the chance to cook, some reading and more subtle but still present layers of complete relaxation, conversation and more...

* two pairs of impulse bought shoes + soup spoon for lunch

* having a work idea complimented and taken seriously. not such a big deal but when you're junior staff, these things mean something. besides, who doesn't like their ego stroked and attain affirmation?

* being so free at work that i was able to do the header of this blog and write drafts for the travel one. when things look nicer, i feel happier!

* sam doing the meme too. not such a big deal either but it's always nice to see what makes the people you care happy.

* doing the entry drafts for the travel blog means getting over some hang-ups i was having. well, one issue at a time...

man, i feel like such a cloud of cheer today instead of being all doom and gloom.

as for my header and why i chose flowers, for all the aspects of me that make me seem like a vulgar, horny boy (at least to the people who know me well in person), i really do like flowers! a stem of perfect white orchids, tulips, camellias [also won't reject the ones at chanel joaillerie. taka level 1 thanks], peonies, posies, pansies, the list goes on... just no generic red roses please.

and today we have....

waking to something way better than the waffles i have been craving and unable to satiate for a week ;)

watching a pretty good flick, suspect x.

finally buying some waffles and wolfing one down for dinner, chased down by a nice little sandwich.

laughing a lot... just the way weekends should sound.

knowing that i am missed, sometimes.

i'm still trying to hold on to the last vestiges of the weekend, although it's quickly slipping out of reach and then begins the so old, its new routine of counting down to friday night.

fcuk, brainfreeze says:

can you jsut blog

fcuk, brainfreeze says:

plsplsplsplspslplsplsspl

ming says:

eh u saw sam's nick? she needs a ball of sunshine

ming says:

where to find ah?

Belle du Jour - Are you only a PMS plus? says:

hahahhaha are you serious?

ming says:

kidding la

ming says:

but she was quite desperate

ming says:

over lunch we were talking abt it

ming says:

and she looked distraught!!

ming says:

haha

Belle du Jour - Are you only a PMS plus? says:

i know

Belle du Jour - Are you only a PMS plus? says:

her ball and his balls are in aus

Belle du Jour - Are you only a PMS plus? says:

and we are too down to be her balls

Belle du Jour - Are you only a PMS plus? says:

so maybe can like ask XXX?

ming says:

hahahah

ming says:

she will puke balls la..

ming says:

sam i mean

Belle du Jour - Are you only a PMS plus? says:

hahhahahhahaha

ming says:

hahahahhahaaha

ok if you really have to know, here is my travel blog where my virtual presence will be for the next two weeks.

pms time, is the best time. except when you imitate my hand gestures.

thanks guys. see you in two weeks plus, with eiffel tower magnets!

a happy new year everyone!

i hope everyone has gotten over their hangovers, tossed away any 2008 hang-ups [i know i'm still trying], still remember their resolutions [if any] and began thinking of how your year will play out.

i've all but given up on resolutions but if forced at gun-point to make one, i would say i resolve to be a better student in what is possibly the last leg of academia. yes, i can practically hear those raised eyebrows shooting up all the way to your hairlines but i'm quite determined and i've never not gotten anything i desired or wanted if i'm determined enough.

it struck me with a bit of horror today that i will be in a totally foreign land in about two weeks, give or take a few days, which is quite an awesome way to start a new year if you ask me. i'm barely prepared, save for a coat we found after a whole day of combing town and a pair of boots i really like. and two really small guidebooks. and repeated words of caution and worry from my friends about being careful in the cold, which i think is really cute and endearing.

i've made a url for a blog which will probably be used for my travels, which i regret not starting earlier for cambodia but if time and chance permits, i'd like to be able to blog from the ville de lumiere as often as i can. we shall see about that. i say this now, and i hope i dont have to retract my words, but the initial trepidation and worry is slowly but surely easing away and anticipation and excitement are edging their ways in. i'm beginning to look forward to spending two whole weeks with someone i've been loving deeply for one year, to be able to sample all the foods that he's been so enthused about for so long, to let him bring me to places he knows i will like and to discover new ones together. i can only hope he feels the same.

so i hope everyone who reads this feels as happy and enthused about the year as i am. and well, if you don't, it's still not too late to start feeling it!

it suddenly struck me, whilst standing under a near boiling shower, that the landmines aren't in cambodia but in paris.

oh well, guess i'll just have to tread carefully and try to think a few steps ahead of everything, although sometimes caution is the last thing associated with me.

there's still time to adopt a new persona! i'm thinking victoria beckham minus her penchant for furs. having that husband of hers would help me slip into character a lot easier. mmmm...

on a totally unrelated note, mtv is now playing songs from my teenhood! blink 182... sugar ray.. mmm that mark mcgrath, oldie but goldie! gotta lurve it.

allow me to state the obvious, if the garish lights and maddening crowds aren't big enough hints....the year is coming to an end.

for those of us with at least one measly friend, that spells a frenzy of decisions, buying, wrapping, accepting and declining...and like me, forgetting to take deep breaths in between.

if, you are [unfortunately] anything like me, then you will understand that, for a person who detests crowds, loathes having her personal space infringed every other minute and isn't particularly thoughtful or creative in the gift-giving department, this is a really trying time. the few brain cells and neurons i have left are frazzled beyond hope so don't ask me challenging questions like what's my favourite colour until perhaps june 09.

but what those poor little overworked [just like santa's elves] cells know is that the owner of them has too many things to be thankful for.

in a really rare positive light [that should explain the flying pigs you just saw], to have many celebrations condensed in the coming one week just means that i am at least tolerated by those who thought to invite me, if not, loved. that also means that for the past year and more, these same kind souls have been there for me, to hear me out, wring a wince at lame jokes, do things i love like movies and checking out places, to lend a [sometimes virtual] shoulder and to just be the best damn company a girl could ask for. partner that with a whole, healthy family, albeit a really small one, who has been my support for the past 22 years and for many more to come, those few brain cells have really been overwhelmed with uncharacteristically sappy thoughts of how lucky i am. but i'm not giving those poor guys a break because i dont want to stop being lucky nor stop being reminded of it on an almost daily basis. yeah see what i mean about the sap?

so in lieu of a silly, frivolous christmas list of *cough* louboutins, chanel, holidays and more... i want all the people that are involved in my life to continue being so, to be happy and healthy, also wealthy [dont forget to share ah!] and to have the resources and courage to fulfill their dreams in 09 and beyond. i would love to help achieve that in any way i can and i can only hope that in the past year, i have been able to reciprocate what you guys have given me in your ways but if i haven't; then i only have the most profuse apology and a permanent post-it in my mind to do better.

the above is of course, for mon amour, the m+s in pms, the two circles of friends from school, alisa, hatta, steph, mark and chris thoo.

don't hold your breaths in hopes of the sap ending, it'll go on for at least two more entries!

the week had a bad, bad start, much much more than i let on and very possibly the worst out of 52 weeks in a year and now its practically friday.

what salvaged it from the dumps was kylie live. it is very likely the best event of 2008, hands down.

and what came to me this morning when discussing the glowing reviews she got in the local rags with me was how my children would never be able to experience that and i felt sad. well i'm sure they'd have many great experiences anyhow. preferably without the aid of drugs. but still.

and before i bid all my voyeurs a lovely weekend, i would like to ask - is ignorance bliss or is knowledge power?

i've been struggling with that for a while now and it's been inconclusive so far.

hear ye! hear ye!

this is the one and only time i will ever plug something on my blog but i'm making the concession for a dear friend.

alisa is hawking pastries and desserts on her blog. there aren't pictures available for the items for ordering yet but in the immediate entry below are two pictures that bear testament to her mad skillz.

also, you'll know quality is guaranteed because she's a good friend. never heard of awesome by association? well, this is it.

anyways this is pretty timely because xmas is almost here and if you know a foodie friend who would appreciate some good food over something sad, like socks and underwear then her blog is the way to go. also good gift idea if you want to taunt a fat frenemy. well, just sayin. perhaps if you paid alisa a wee bit more, she could pipe 'once on your lips, forever on your hips' or something more subtle like 'hmm... are you sure..?' onto the goodies.

show my homegirl some love HERE.

p.s woman, it'll be better if you could send your endorsers some samples so uhhh, our endorsements could be more vivid yknow :)

ok maybe the red is a bit outre but it's in the spirit of xmas no?

a trip to tokyo would be sweet too, santa. imagine me and you in harajuku, and you fitting right in or me and you in kyoto and i'm in a geisha costume and you.... um, can be you. picture perfect.

i think it's a wee bit of a mistake watching this particular episode of grey's before i sleep because i just know it'll be weighing heavy on my mind...

anyone who follows it, though not necessarily as religiously as me or ming, will know that one episode is cobbled together from a few sub-plots. now the one that will give my tear ducts a good workout soon is one involving this geriatric couple. wife is lying lifelessly while husband looks on helpless. soon she flat-lines and meets her maker but the husband starts trying to resuscitate her and keeps saying, "stay with me....".

i can't imagine being in the husband's position, losing my partner before my eyes, desperately trying to make him hang on, if not for himself, then for me. who can ever fathom that pain? it would be different from losing a parent or a friend and perhaps to say it'll be like losing a limb or half of you would still be undermining it too much...

as to where i'm going to find that partner....well good luck to me!

damn it, where are those endorphins that are supposed to overwhelm you after a good workout like i just had??

and last night saw the second last of belated birthday celebrations with my travelmates.

thank you guys for the petite cherie, it was a really nice surprise. although to have tim would have been very nice too. but old is as old does and by 2, with one dinner cocktail and half a jug of vodka lime at zouk sloshing around in the geriatric's stomach, i was out like a light in the car. i'm well and truly ashamed. i should be asking myself, where are the days, or rather, nights of drinking and dancing until the lights almost come on then go for supper at spize??

one last celebration with the classmates and i'm good to go for the rest of the year.

or well, until the nerve-wrecking, very last week of december. eek!

looking at the pictures already up and respectively tagged and commented on at facebook, i'm struck with missing-siem-reap pangs.

the whole trip went without a glitch except for sam's symphony of the sinus and my inability to wake up early, we are still friends, no one is scarred or disfigured, half of the pictures make me want to laugh out loud and overall, i can't believe we only spent [24 x 4] 96 hours there!

it was my birthday present to myself, as was melbourne last year because i realised, hey if i dont do such things for myself then who would? the money spent could have bought a pair of basic louboutins but the louboutins can wait, experiences can't. especially for someone as impatient as i.

last time this year, i was in alisa's room on her floor and i remember being awakened by an sms birthday greeting from the person sleeping beside me now. ahh the turn of events.

in melb, i was constantly on this [natural] high, especially when i was alone because the weather was perfect, i could do as i pleased....it was just this unadulterated happiness that emanated from every pore, that i so rarely experience and all the more, i treasure and constantly replay.

in cambodia, i was terrifically happy too but differently so. there was a bit of vigilance but i felt carefree, and it felt as if the hours stretched into days but in a good way. i felt peaceful, though the frenzied, frenetic quality of phnom penh suppressed that a little.

and 22... could there be more nondescript, insignificant age...?

right now, all manner of gadgetry are getting juiced up. all the shorts and tanks i own are sequestered and ready to be packed alongside my long dormant sense of adventure and curiosity.

tomorrow this time, i would already have been sent a full day getting dusty in phnom penh with two of my closest friends. i could already already foresee us grimy and tired out of our minds, dissecting the day over a nice dinner.

there is only so much an itinerary, lonely planet and the net can tell us. crazy traffic, streets rife with beggars, street hawkers and fellow tourists with us dollar lined pockets... yeah, read all that. but to experience it all is a whole different ballgame.

the one thing i'm glad is over with the advent of this trip are people asking me if i'm going there to build toilets/houses/schools or to teach english. well as amy winehouse said... no, no no.

this would be my last trip of 08 and i can't wait to see how it would turn out. and in typical impatient me fashion, i am wondering what would 09 throw up.

just a little segue before i go on my merry way.

i've never admitted this out loud but i do really like talking to him. it could be light, breezy chats that hold littke weight and are enjoyable precisely because of that to more serious, weightier topics that could be as random as they come and these kinds of conversation make me yearn pick his brain and ruminate on his opinions, which contrary to what he thinks, holds a lot of importance.

i enjoy our habit of slipping in private jokes and creating new ones and the light banter and the teasing. even that one particularly long conversation which saw us being separated for one long month [count that, 31. whole. days.] was not spared comfortable old habits.

that's all i wanted to say. i'm starving, for food and some conversation.

a note from my otherwise snoozefest of a tuesday... i wouldn't call what happened serendipity. that, would be apt for describing meeting my partner. i think, the only terms appropriate would be karma and just utter bad luck. i can't help but get a good laugh in disbelief.

a leftover note from the weekend, when i was too busy becoming one with my bed... when the proverbial they say first impressions count, just believe them. there's nothing i detest more than a limp handshake, especially if it's from men. it just evokes thoughts of nasty limp cabbage, amongst other things that go limp when they shouldn't.

no matter how hot a guy is, if the bones in my right hand aren't rearranged from his handshake, chances are i'd be hard pressed to talk to him again without asking if he has some debilitating form of nerve damage or are just OCD about touching other people. in that case, he really shouldn't venture out.

as a service to all fellow annoyingly anal women out there, i will make it my personal mission to ensure that my sons, apart from being ridiculously hot, hung like a horse, cultured, articulate and charming, will have tear-inducing, cripplingly firm handshakes.

go ahead, don't be abashed about showing appreciation in lieu of your future daughters now.

this is, hands down, the hardest thing i've ever had to do. and yet i still want more of it. an undo or go back to start button would be pretty handy though.

i'm sitting here, unshowered, still in the same clothes i gave no thought to throwing on more than 12 hours ago, with a 2000 word essay to write which i know will take forever because i want the words to be just so.

these days, i'm hesitating a lot, hurrying a lot, sighing a lot, thinking a lot, worrying a lot, frowning a lot, setting my mouth in a thin line of determination a lot, questioning a lot and wishing a lot.

i just came from visiting a blog of a girl badly scalded by love. as discussed by my friends and i, she is probably in this state because she chose to ignore the glaring warning signs. but i think, she's the way she is today, heart scarred over by the lesions and keloids from the perils of loving with all she had. and i thought that i'd very possibly never end up this way because of the way i love.

it is in careful, measured stops and starts, never in generous shovel-fuls or tractor-fuls but in teaspoons. strange analogy, but much like fagin doling out a pathetic amount of gruel to oliver twist, punishing him when he timidly asks for more. this is obviously because i'm afraid of getting burnt but more so for fear of losing a sense of self and not knowing the full capacity of my heart to love. sometimes, i do wish i could give more.

all i want to do is turn on the tv but mute it, curl up in bed with the sept bumper issue of vogue, lose myself in another world i will never inhabit, surrounded by my four plump pillows creating a fortress around my physical self while the metaphysical one drifts away.

not knowing where, how and with whom i'd be spending this weekend, is on my mind more than i'd like to admit.

i have two goals till the end of 08 to achieve.

1 . gun for a promotion.

2. straighten myself and my relationship up.

by the way, aiming to eat cheaper isn't a goal is it? well if i attain number 1 then i wouldn't have to strive for this too! cmon, who can deny that slowly working your way through desserts the size of your head accompanied with neverending cups of tea with good company in an ambient cafe for hours on end is one of life's greatest pleasures?

up up and away!

and it's back to work for now...

to paraphrase the bridezilla who said 'once you go brown, it'll turn your frown upside down'... work has been amazing.

i have no qualms about leaping out of bed every morning and walking past the old shophouses to arrive at ours. the work starts the moment i sit down and inhale my breakfast at the same time, only pausing to email some favourite people. i dont even mind working late and have come to accept it as de rigueur. of course lots of positive affirmation from those i work with help too.

everything is falling into place now, as it always seems to towards the end of the year, for me. i can't wait to see how i will write my annual new year's retrospective of 08 because there is still one component missing. of course it is largely my doing that it is missing and working on changing the bits of me that caused it to go missing has been added to my quite substantial list of daily things to do. i would love to be able to include the missing component into my retrospective at the end of the year but we'll see how it goes.

i can just smell the weekend already and it smells like... sweaty balls, i mean being sweaty running after tennis balls and some great company to get sweaty with.

i really treasure our conversations during our train rides back, because they often yield gems that make me want to double up with laughter and just die. here's the best one in a while. names have been changed to protect the hilarious.

me : .... i think texas has a pretty low cost of living.

M : really? like how low?

me : like maybe you easily get food under a dollar..?

M : wow really? do you think they use american dollars or texan dollars?

stunned silence.

all the luck for friday! and forgive us for that joke already.............

why is it that all we ever want, are what we cannot get?

round and round like a dog chasing its tail but unlike the animal, some of us never stop even when we realise that our pursuit will come to no fruition and we just plow head on obstinately.

what is it, if it isn't blatant masochism? it doesn't seem very much above flogging yourself with a cat o'nine tails or having your dominatrix affix clamps to your testicles honestly.

forget about keeping up with the joneses or oneupmanship because it all starts in our little minds rife with malcontent. what makes one so blindly sure that the grass over the horizon is greener? what's wrong with your own patch? why can't we weed it, mow it or spruce it up before we stomp all over it in our haste to pursue a new patch?

it isn't about being single-mindedly content or worst, settling. it's about knowing when to step hard on the brakes instead of accelerating blindly because there's no telling when the challenging hairpin curve ahead will be the one that causes you to careen off the edge.

hate to be the one delivering such cute bon mots of cynicism but one learns that no one, and i really mean, no one is irreplaceable.

really. seriously.

waking up today brings me into my third week of unemployment. it's been an inconceivably long three weeks and being idle was killing me and what few brain cells i have. as lazy as i can be, being disengaged from reality and not having a sense of purpose was disconcerting and uncomfortable.

a job may not define who you are, especially at my age, but it certainly moulds you as person and you grow as your career should. i took the plunge to call it quits at my previous mindless, soul-less job and it'll be yet another headfirst plunge come next monday when my spell of unemployment officially ends.

i'm rarely excited about much but i'm anticipating working, thinking, doing...at the expense of a significant paycut but not shopping for a while never killed anyone so i should survive. i can't wait to start and i feel that i can finally relax this last week without any worries and i really hated answering questions about job hunts and the ilk because well intentions aside, they only served to ask myself if i really was incompetent and/or lazy and good for nothing.

let's see where this leads me and i'll report back soon enough.

an idle mind is the devil's playground.

i loathe being idle.

laughably, after some introspection, i can't believe i'm suffering the psychosomatic after-effects of what happened.

even when i was at my sickest, i'd be dreaming up of dishes to devour and now i'm well i can't seem to crave anything or have anything appeal to me. even when i was supposed to be happy and even when things are supposed to be a bit better, the appetite still remains a lost cause.

perhaps if the delusional me believes that this is my punishment and bad karma from my misbehaviour in past relationships or perhaps its just not meant to be but whatever it is.... i want my appetite back!!

and so i've learnt, or at least he's helped me to, that.... ignorance isn't bliss because knowledge is power. with that, i've picked up the scraps of trusty armour i tried to shed along the way and piece them back again. once foolish enough to drop the artillery, i'd like to think and hope that i've wizened up for good. however it shouldnt be too difficult to leave because my worldly possessions there, nicely fit in a shoe box.

profuse thanks for the life lesson, even though i wish it hadn't been you to dole it out.

this is before i continue phase 2 of my day, before phase 2 ends and i start to feel apprehensive about seeing someone i shouldn't have a shred of apprehension about.

i'm so glad i took the free fall into the abyss of uncertainty today. this also means i dont have to deal with singapore's stupidest. and nastiest. and if i am lucky, i get to encounter those circus freaks who are hybrids of those two desirable attributes. i will miss stifling raucous, demeaning laughter in the face of those walking jokes and bitching about it to my friends and partner.

emailed a good friend, whom shall be known as bridezilla from hereon in, for the first time today. of the many things bridezilla and i excitedly chattered on about in our epic lengthed emails, the one that kinda took centrestage as about The One. which one? ah you know, The One. the one who will have to wake up to your slowly but surely disintegrating face, fondle your tits that will soon succumb to gravity and be the babydaddy to your brats for the rest of his life. but of course, i am being wildly, optimistically assumptive that this is in the event that one does not join the scary, burgeoning statistics of divorces. the derivative question from our exchange is - how many The Ones is it possible to go through in life?

what if your current partner is who you think is The One only for you guys to end in a spate of tears and spite and the next one comes along and you think that The One Is Really This One? how many The Ones are there really?

i'm running out of time to ruminate on this in a more eloquent fashion so till the next entry....

there is nothing i detest, hate, loathe more than an unpleasant surprise. he should know - afterall i've sprung quite a few on him. but i am dead sure there aren't any more he could receive, whereas i have no idea what or when i would chance upon another nasty one lying in wait, patiently anticipating the emotion ambush on me.

let it be known here that i think sentimentality is a chronic affliction, a weakness of character if you may. perhaps never really been a sentimental fool myself, i cannot imagine what it is like to be in the shoes of one. but i sure as hell know what it feels like to be the partner of one and for fuck's sake, i really really hate it.

what i wouldn't give to slay insecurity and jealousy, the two heads of a monster that has been unrestrainedly romping freely through my reality and consciousness, the catalyst of many a pout or sulk, most of which are indulged in privately.

having never really felt that way before, the most direct ways to deal with it is to a) try to halt the creeping progression of those feelings and look for distractions. b) lash out on the person who may directly or indirectly cause you to feel that way.

b is not an option simply because it is pointless, no one can quash that negativity but yourself. so a it is, because it is just easier to hope really hard that those thoughts are fortuitously layered over with others. besides, who knows what you say or express would spark off a whole new train of thoughts and feelings, not just in yourself but in the person that you thought would understand, that culminates in disaster.

sometimes, silence is just the best placebo.

so now its late. not the 'i dont care what the time is because we're too busy fighting/talking/distracting' kind of late but more of the 'i'm too busy having a sulkfest, attendance : 1' kind of late. i need to pack my worldly possessions so i can camp out at his until an as-yet-undetermined date. normally, i loathe packing because it denotes transition and i need to feel rooted to something, somewhere or someone. but somehow this is fine. i've become a willing gypsy whose own bed doesn't smell of me anymore, whose room is merely a cement, four-walled holdall for tangible proof of my existence, many of which are disposable.

i hate anticipation. everything and anything to do with it, i hate. it's so effortless to coast through life when you make an effort, the only kind of effort you've only ever put in really, to cast away undue expectations and sweep anticipation under the rug. its so easy when there aren't disappointments or let downs to deal with, even easier to shrug off what would have been a heavy cloak of unhappiness otherwise.

and so, it's not been easy waiting for the phone to vibrate or to wait for the email alert to sound from the person that has taught me the cruel meaning of keen anticipation. the agony is amplified when we are feuding and more often than not, because of me. sometimes even i can't believe how i would ideally like to react when i dont get the text or email i so desire. this scary dismay also applies when his words are frosty, i dont get my terms of endearment or teasing or private terms and jokes. mental institution worthy impulses range from wishing to fling my phone against a hard surface and taking a sledgehammer to the computer and also storming to where i think he is at the moment to shake the reply out of him. yes, very scary indeed. in retrospect, i'll very likely regret revealing this about myself but my entries are always about the right now; and i'm afraid the right now isnt too rosy.

but the absolute worst would be feuding in person. i can't stand the ice coated words tersely thrown at the other nor can i bear the frozen pauses wedging an iceberg between us. so easy to slip on the ice and say spiteful things that result in more regret. i have no idea where these sides of me came from, or how he managed to excavate them from the deep recesses of me. however, i dont think anyone else could stir such feelings in me, let alone allow the embarrassing existence of this entry. so, no regrets...for now at least. after which i shall go acquire some desperately needed patience, as ordered by my sanity and buy stronger ropes to rein in my rage that threatens to rip apart when i feel wronged and undermined for the ones binding it are fraying.

when the going gets good... the asshole comes out to play.

i couldn't believe where i found the nerve, the balls, the guts and all manner of anatomy that denote fearlessness to have [and i think maybe even initiate] that string of texts that he found this morning when i was in the shower.

the boulder that landed in my stomach after i realised what he was so upset about was not my idea of breakfast and obviously neither was it his.

waiting for the reply to the email that i immediately fired off the nanosecond my outlook opened was torturous and i spent the rest of the workday apologising my sorry ass off.

he deserves sainthood for not dumping me thus far because if i were in his shoes, i dont think i could've dragged myself to work.

seriously speaking, i have no idea where or how i found the foolishness and complacency to have that conversation. letting consideration override my innate selfishness is like..... throwing an eskimo into the desert. sometimes i feel that cliche of a leopard and its spots is manifesting itself and it isn't a pleasant revelation but.... for this one i want it to be different.

just when i think it's gonna be a mind-numbingly boring night being home on a saturday because i am back from spending 3 days and nights at the bf's and now he's out with friends, conversations with two people i've loved and actually still do, in a different way, quelled my boredom quite a bit. doling out love advice to an ex and seeking advice from another, not an ex, but might as well be - has spun some interesting perspectives for the night. i miss the both of them quite a bit and i miss him too but ego and not wanting to interrupt his night is holding me back from texting him. goddammit i am feeling hormonal and irritable and emotional.

if only trust could be bought, i'd pay any price for it. sell off my kidney too because i dont think any price would be too high to pay. what i wouldn't give for the peace of mind i've never known and to never sulk even when i'm not distracted or busy and my mind wanders to him.

helllloooo 08...

this isnt so much being fashionably late as being blissfully late. juggling school, work, friends and a relationship, the chances of coming up for air have been few and far in between but its been an exhilarating, riproaring ride into the new year, with no signs of screeching to a halt.

it took almost 5 months and kissing a few toads before seeing [and almost turning away] the one in front. its been...interesting personally because i want to do things right and proper. fidelity, truth and a dash of trust have been all its about...effortless now and hopefully even more so in future.

gone is that adolescent all-consuming need to be with a partner 24/7 but i can't say i dont relish and look forward to the weekends of cooking and lounging around at his. to be conjoined at the hips and inseperable at the lips, roaming hands and entangled limbs is the stuff friday nights and saturday afternoons are solely made of.

ok thats enough mush to last till the next post, when hopefully i'd still be enamoured of my paramour but with more interesting offerings.

amidst the slew of mad last minute brainstorming, then shopping for the results and cooking and making plans, i've decided that the festive season isn't so bad, if you can ignore the crowds and the last minute everything.

it doesn't give me enough time to think and too many reasons to spend.

also, it was very nice kicking off the festivities by receiving one of the more unrealistic items on the below wishlist. to have them brought back from the land of the louvre and chanel with me in mind definitely chased away any vestiges of scrooge's spirit manifesting itself. unfortunately, it's been a pain trying to think of a present for the macaron giver. what do you give someone who seems like he has everything he needs? i hate to think that i'd have to settle for something generic like cufflinks.

celebrations kick off tomorrow! the panna cotta is setting in the fridge, presents sitting on my bed waiting to be wrapped and i am psyched!

because i'm home on a saturday night, by virtue of my sloth-ness.

xmas wishlist 07.

*white hermes belt with interchangeable twillys.

*hermes enamel bangles.

*free reign of kinokuniya

*laduree macarons

*for hk to come through

*lots of sleep

*certain french brand of tea sold at taka, whose name escapes me now. this is going to keep me up the whole night.

*for this damn festive period to end in two shakes because it's just too damn depressing.

*for the rain to never stop

*the balls to say no should the opportunities arise

*the opportunity to explore the restaurants i've been curious about with the right company. obviously that can only mean two other people in this world.

*iphone!

alisa the fat pervert is leaving in a couple of hours and it really puts a sense of finality to my little adventure as well. thank you woman, for being such a great host and bringing me around.

i'll be doing my last spot of shopping and meeting the boys before it's home sweet home for me tmr.

the weather here in melbourne is gorgeous. there's the sun accompanied by chilly wind. travelling semi-alone isn't so bad afterall. all i need is some good weather, flats, a pack of dirt cheap duty free cigs and a map. walked from my hotel to the prahran area for the sass & bide sale, where everyone and their cellulite was just stripping down to their skivvies. ok that was my singapore prude personality talking. now the walk, that in itself took 2 hours, to put it into a singaporean context, it would be akin to walking from orchard to maybe ang mo kio or further. but it wasn't so bad and time was negligible when you are busy eyeballing the ornate architecture on some of the houses in the neighbourhood where the hotel was.

explored the city quite a bit but everywhere seemed the same. walking around and people watching just affirms my belief that caucasian men are not my cup of earl grey.

had my krispy kreme cherry popped. alisa, she of whose mouth has never stopped masticating food the moment we met in the city, and i bought an assorted dozen. she polished off all 6, glazed and choc fyi while i only managed 4 over a prolonged period.

the lesson learnt today would be to never be stuck anywhere in any situation without money in your plastic.

my 200th post!

anyway, who is anyone to decide if someone's good enough for another?

last i checked, a relationship only consists of two people. not 2 + a million opining mouths.

so where would i be, and doing what this time next week? eeee i'm beside myself in excitement and trepidation.

i just got home not from another person's house like i was supposed to but from making arrangements for my paternal grandmother who shuffled off this mortal coil earlier in the evening when i was deep in slumber.

this doesn't feel real at all. i could hardly see her dimunitive form beneath the white sheet on her bed at the nursing home. the cremation would be later today, no wake would be held because theoretically speaking, she only has my father, mother and me. the other spawn, whose existences i only learnt of tonight, might as well not exist. besides, i believe chinese wakes are such wayangs. the more money one has, the longer the duration and the more elaborate it would be. such flagrant displays of vulgar wealth do nothing for the deceased, only serving to stroke the egos of the vain living.

i'm glad tomorrow would be the last time i step into the nursing home, no where that reeks of impending death, antiseptic and boiled vegetables could possibly be very pleasant to be around.

anyway i sincerely hope she's in a better place now, as trite and cliched it may sound.

september was an awfully good month for me, until today that is. until a conversation preceding my nap annoyed me and the bad news woke me up.

couriered cookies and hand delivered cakes would sweeten up anybody's mad hectic friday.

my waistline is cursing my widely publicized sweet tooth argh!

nonetheless, thank you and thank you!

today is another special day in pms history because the S that completes P and M has officially lived for two decades and we are very honoured to spend 1/10 of that life as pms.

now let us rewind back to the first time [definitely not the first day] i noticed you and thought, 'what a snobby looking girl!'. no surprises you thought the same about me there. but many thanks to your ex who somehow brought the three of us together and errr, ended up being ousted himself. arriving late and still having the cheek to have breakfast first were de rigeur those days and they couldn't be more fun.

fast forward to just last year, when the nation claimed M for their own and we were left to our devices so what could two gloomy, snobby looking girls do but to still arrive late for school and still go for breakfast. those days of being such bitches to certain sexually ambiguous creatures in class and then abandoning class to sit at the staircase to just....talk. so nice of us to force ming to crash our classes when he could and then heading to town [where else] after school and we'd do our usual exploring/mad copious amounts of walking or just stoning and talking.

too many inside jokes to mention but still too few to be satisfied with, i say!

it's so nice to find someone to talk fashion without feeling like a pretentious twat and a fellow swinging single with a tendency to fall into ambiguous natured...things. and then we can bitch and whine about our unfortunate choices together.

it's late august already but we still haven't found you a new favourite movie of 2007 like rent. never mind we still have a bit of time.

have a blessed birthday and i hope from the bottom of my heart that you will someday realise your double - c pr ambitions and never have to have another kotek again. we should be getting deliciously sloshed by this time tomorrow night and slurring our insults to unsuspecting strangers. i hope, ahead of time, that you have a ball and thank you for letting us be a part of it.

p.s me and M are still gonna try and be funny at your wedding.

p.p.s i hope you're dreaming of fantastic sex with a hot, generously endowed yuppie with the most gorgeous pair of louboutins on!

much love and louboutins,

the p in pms

in an unprecedentedly sweet [sweetly unprecedented?] move, the two boys at work presented me with a box of godiva's for my last day there. that really added a sweet note to an otherwise sad day.

it's rather hard for me to get attached to something, case in point, it took me something like 5 months to really warm up to everyone at work and be myself. but once i cross that threshold, it's no holding back and looking back baby.

so to the night boys.... of godivas and rock concerts... air guitars and no holding back on bodily functions... boy advice and all that 'omgomg do i look good tonight?!' questions that were patiently entertained. HM - it's always good talking movies and books with you. you wont believe how happy i was to find someone else who reads murakami at work and to have someone to fire badly hypothesized questions to. H - thank you for covering branch for alllll the times i didnt want to go, will always remember ymca and scolding you. thanks for taking all my shit and still entertaining my rubbish.

and not forgetting the girls... jasmine, chian wen, peishan, cat and most of all phoebe for talking about things that boys will never get. especially for phoebe... who i love to talk books and movies with, we couldn't be more different in the relationship outlook way but unexpectedly similar in most others. so funny how parallel our situations were with the past relationship but whilst you seem to have found happiness in someone whom i mentioned above, i'm still looking. i'm happy for you and thank you for feeling happy for me when you'd thought i'd found something special too. but i'll keep looking and i'll keep you updated.

thanks for all the memories and fun that i never thought i'd have.

/random musing of the day -

today, someone at work said, "how come you dont ask questions?"

the rationale behind that is deceptively simple, i just believe if and when people want to tell me something, then they will. there's nothing i hate more than being probed, simply put - do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

that aside, it made me wonder if i've let a few opportunities pass me by in keeping with my little habit of not asking.

the possibilities are too many : someone's number, a job opportunity or future contact, satiating an itch etc etc.

and to inject that perfunctory irrelevant note into the post - this week is going to be hell.

thank god for silver linings to get one through the day.

realistically, pessimistically speaking though, how long do such linings last before they start fraying?

nevertheless, i'm still grateful.

i just returned from the doctor's from whom i managed to procure not one...not two but three! days of mc. now who's the da bomb.

woke up after lounging in bed while relishing a rather raunchy dream that i woke up from and headed straight to shower but was stopped in my tracks when i caught sight of my face, and subsequently my right eye. specifically, it was almost swollen shut.

after digesting the possibilites of such a yummy affliction [mc! lazing at home! waking up at 4pm!], i busted my ass trying to wash my face, brush my teeth, changed and rushed out to the doctor's. conveniently, i had forgotten to run a brush through my bedraggled hair in my rush. i ended up looking like bellatrix lestrange.

nothing like a crusty swollen eye and mad hair to exude real sexiness. if i could bottle this irresistible-ness, i'd be rubbing elbows and talking about bad toupees with trump in no time.

now seriously, i wonder if the true reason of my 3 leisurely days at home is because i saw something or someone i shouldn't have yesterday. hmmm. funny how a sight for sore eyes has become merely, a cause for a sore eye. hahahah ok sorry, this is in bad taste.

nonetheless, time off is quality time. alone. or perhaps i should just go out and infect all my close friends because misery loves company. conjunctivitis is the new sars/bird flu ya'll! now i'm gonna take this time to finally finish up deathly hallows [forgive the potter related references], read some magazines i bought but haven't touched and maybe some downloaded movies i've been hoarding for no apparent reason.

greetings ardent fans and rabid admirers!

it's been quite a while hasn't it. perhaps it is time to come clean with reason behind my sporadic postings. nothing like waiting for my hair to dry at 4.00am for a refreshing dose of honesty

now the sole reason for my glaring absence from the blogosphere can be attributed to the particularly inquisitive nature of an ex paramour of mine - who within 24 hours of a new post, would question me unrelentingly should there be any cryptic, mysterious bits; very much in the style of the CIA having a friendly chat with this fella, perhaps you've heard of him...bin laden i think he's called...over a cuppa.

moi? cryptic? mysterious? never!

owing to my severe dislike of my life being put under a microscope, i've chosen to shrink back into the recesses of my dark, angsty mind, only emerging when i am feeling especially snarky or pointless.

now about this fuss about harry potter and his posse... i have to say a big thank you to the few bastards who have tried to spoil it for me but unbeknownst to them, i decided to pre-empt such acts of kindness by demanding to know the ending of deathly hallows even before i laid my hands on the tome.

i have to say, that while i'm crushed that such an excellent series has drawn to a climatic end, i also found time to identify with that particular brand of existential crisis when potter came to terms with the fact that he might die when fighting voldemort.

well, this is not to say that i have to fend off terribly ugly men togged in spiffy suits looking like they just stepped out of Details or GQ, yknow, magazines for metrosexual Muggles. but i am sure 20 year old girls who lead relatively comfy lives can feel potter's pain, in their own way of course. like not having an amorata/boy toy of the moment, not having hot water to shower with in the middle of the night, not having enough money et cetera.

now the following snippet has no relevance to any of the above except for how it is also aimless rambling but i'm beyond caring.

in my ever ongoing quest to lengthen my list of pet peeves, i seem to have found one that has been topping the charts lately.

perhaps it is me, or my lack of finesse and delicacy with dealing with the opposite sex but i can't help but notice a glaring trend in my communication with this unique kind. although armed with [i assume] thumbs that work and a cellphone with a functioning keypad AND someone who's actually waiting for a reply, these people seem to have a love of letting text conversations die off by simply not replying.

this is simply befuddling because in my culture, it is simply rude to initiate conversations and just act like you dropped dead. it not only leaves the convo hanging in the air but the poor person on the other end of your non response wondering if anything did indeed happen to you. furthermore, such situations always leave me wondering if i should bring up the prematurely dead conversations the next time we interact. all too confusing. and they say girls are the ones that are hard to understand. the nerve!

funnily, this phenomenon tends to strike more with people i happen to be feelings for. the very same kind that warms the cockles of the coldest, loneliest hearts. <3.>

to be fair, i should also broach the delicate, and very likely, reason of this new habit amongst youths. it could be that i am so boring and uninteresting these people simply fall asleep upon conversing with me. mmm...this is doing wonders for my ego and self esteem. i say, well done boys!

hormonally induced mid week rage is in full hilt right now.

singfuckingpost isn't helping, nor is the song of the week whose lyrics i shall enclose at the bottom. neither did tea and peanut butter, consumed seperately. the distance isn't helping, the thought of you surely asking me about this post isn't. thoughts of entertaining thoughts of running my keys along the pristine sides of that white convertible bmw downstairs isn't helping and neither did air guitar in the back room just now.

i can't believe singpost is withholding my miumiu and surely that is criminal. i'm sure i'd feel better if it were sitting next to me. for fucks sake the damn thing came from canada. CANADA!. what the hell is so dangerous about that place huh?! what, avril lavigne and that annoyingly addictive girlfriend song?! now THAT is criminal ok bitches EH.

i know a month from now, when i WILL have that bag on my lap, and i'm reading this again - i'll cringe. but now's now and that's that.

excerpts of lyrics from new favourite nonsense song - love it when you call by the feeling.

the weekend in so many pictures. mingky, i hope you enjoyed your spachcock, hello kitty and you could always get creative with your belt.