the textual siege.

i hate anticipation. everything and anything to do with it, i hate. it's so effortless to coast through life when you make an effort, the only kind of effort you've only ever put in really, to cast away undue expectations and sweep anticipation under the rug. its so easy when there aren't disappointments or let downs to deal with, even easier to shrug off what would have been a heavy cloak of unhappiness otherwise.

and so, it's not been easy waiting for the phone to vibrate or to wait for the email alert to sound from the person that has taught me the cruel meaning of keen anticipation. the agony is amplified when we are feuding and more often than not, because of me. sometimes even i can't believe how i would ideally like to react when i dont get the text or email i so desire. this scary dismay also applies when his words are frosty, i dont get my terms of endearment or teasing or private terms and jokes. mental institution worthy impulses range from wishing to fling my phone against a hard surface and taking a sledgehammer to the computer and also storming to where i think he is at the moment to shake the reply out of him. yes, very scary indeed. in retrospect, i'll very likely regret revealing this about myself but my entries are always about the right now; and i'm afraid the right now isnt too rosy.

but the absolute worst would be feuding in person. i can't stand the ice coated words tersely thrown at the other nor can i bear the frozen pauses wedging an iceberg between us. so easy to slip on the ice and say spiteful things that result in more regret. i have no idea where these sides of me came from, or how he managed to excavate them from the deep recesses of me. however, i dont think anyone else could stir such feelings in me, let alone allow the embarrassing existence of this entry. so, no regrets...for now at least. after which i shall go acquire some desperately needed patience, as ordered by my sanity and buy stronger ropes to rein in my rage that threatens to rip apart when i feel wronged and undermined for the ones binding it are fraying.