Monday, November 21, 2005

Image hosted by Photobucket.com moments before i started on this post, i learnt from my mother that it is my dad's birthday today. no wonder he took the day off work. i feel just about the worst child alive - well short of those who can actually bear to kill their givers of life. i can't believe, despite ample warning, that i spent all my money yesterday on self-centred whims so i can't pay for dinner later and had neglected to even wish him a happy birthday when i stepped into the door earlier. i blame the heaviness in my heart on being asian. the only part of being asian chinese i regret is the distance between parents and children, the lack of affection is actually quite debilitating on relationships and is manifested in my relationship with my father. we're not estranged, i've had everything i want, he is nothing short of being the perfect asian father. remote but lurking about in the distance put between us by our birthrights and society and slogging his life away to provide for his little nuclear family. i'm so affected by this that i'm already tearing up. i don't know how i will give him his annual birthday hug without bawling buckets. i can't believe that when i used to live with my aunts and grandmother; and my parents would come visit on weekends, that i would just grunt greetings, be surly and nasty and just disappear upstairs to escape from the awkwardness. i don't think i can ever forgive myself for being so cold and distant and shitty. perhaps this is why i'm always so affected by movies exemplifying dysfunctional father-child relationships. perhaps this is also why i tended to shrink away from boyfriends who treated me like a princess when i was younger, causing me to take extreme measures like dumping them when the disability to reciprocate is too apparent to ignore. perhaps this is also why i've become rather affectionate with boyfriends, to overcompensate for a lack of it in my household. well, thank you for letting me know that you're the only man in my life who would never, ever let me down and provide for me unconditionally. despite a serious lack of communication between us, i hope, in some way or other, that you know i'll forever and ever be your little girl. the guy i marry will definitely have to be put up to the test of being compared against you. the thought of you growing older and having to eventually leave me is already more painful than anything i've ever felt. i love you so so much. happy birthday.

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