Monday, November 21, 2005

i've been doing a lot of thinking these days. some of those thoughts start with, 'what if i....'. some start with, 'perhaps i should...' many end with, 'ah well, let's just see....' any inspirational guru, or any rabidly positive layman, would tell you such thoughts are no good and negative. truth is, i've never really been a positive person all my short life. faced with situations that cause dispair and minor panic, i try to rationalise and remedy things without my limits, while doing all the negativity in my head. no use spreading it around if it aint of any good, right? when i was a child of about 9 years, give or take a year, i learnt of the term 'worrywart'. i liked the way i could roll the word in my mouth with ease and a little amusement and at that age, it was all about them new words and application. during that period in time, i was sent to a chinese enrichment centre, that would ultimately earn me an A2 in my mother tongue for the O's, on a weekly basis on sundays. while us chinese impaired kids would churn out cookie cutter compositions and learnt poetic phrases and such in a freezing classroom, our parents, or my aunts in that case, would fraternise with each other outside. fraternise is taken to mean comparisons of results, gleaning of information on how best to milk your child's potential to enter the best schools and so on and so forth. one sunday after class, i had to stay in class awaiting my long suffering, cartoon deprived compadres to file out and my aunt to come in to talk to my chinese national teacher. a few other classmates were rooted in their seats for the same reason i was. while waiting our turn, my aunt got to talking to the parent of this girl that sat behind me. let it be understood that the girl regularly turned out good grades in tests and such at tuition and her mother casually let slip that she worried alot. my aunt turned to me and said, 'see, that's why so-and-so is doing so well, because she worries'. at that moment in time, my already rather joyless juvenile world came crashing further than it already did. i then started to worry. i learnt how to worry about inconsequential things, like whether my food nazi grandmother would insist on me eating steamed fish at the demands of my aunts, who had the wild idea that it is not too late to imbibe copious amounts of fatty acids and what have yous to booster my already numerically retardant brain. i was so pressured at dinnertime that faced with the small metal dish of tasteless, repulsive white meat that i would cry. i also learnt how to worry about worldlier matters, such as money and death. these worries plague me more and more as i grow up, naturally. so these days, with the added burden [in the context of worrying] of a relationship, i worry more. unconsciously, happy moments are made less so because i don't want to add to the already large archive of great memories we've built. unconsciously, i've also built an arsenal of defence, when we break up. creating situations as to how to best deal with his stuff and how to curb the sort of overwhelming emotions that creep up on you when you let your internal Fort Knox down. i realise, this is how people make the slow but deadly transition from sane to insane. already by indulging my worries, i am writing this entry. what next? anyways, i brought two special people to a special place on a whim today. the annoying hubbub of town plus the lovely grey weather made the 3 of us spin on our heels and let me lead them without letting on the destination. i hope you guys liked it as much as i do. it is a little present of sorts. the best type i can give, without any intentions or motives or even plans. no need for returns, no need for thanks. see you both in a matter of hours. good night all.

the textual siege.

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