the textual siege.

where do i start? what's an opening befitting of our 2.5 years?

we began with you being a stranger to me whilst you were already rather familiar with me, or rather the parts of me that i let on in my entries and what you saw when we were in the same places together.

it's so typical of you to know your prey as well as you could before you would begin a full-on hunt, very confident that i'd be caught. the sneaky ways to show you cared and most importantly, that you were better than who i was with then, bowled me over in time.

the best thing was, the sweetness and surprises never ceased and instead, they tirelessly increased even though i'm guilty of hardly reciprocating. and when i did, the smallest gesture was enough to bring you over the moon.

leaving surprises all over the place, cooking for me, telling me to get dressed because dinner will be at an undisclosed location, drawing me and caricatures of our pet names, secretly buying up things that you know i coveted and so much more sustained us for quite a while. i dont know where you found the energy and effort to center your world around me but you managed and did quite well too.

i have no idea where i found the heart, or lack thereof, to begin doing the things i did to you. i have no idea where i found the lack of sense and feeling to wreck something great, something that could've lasted for a much longer time. but you, i have no idea where you found the love and will to go on doing what you've already been doing. maybe it was a last ditch effort to show me you were the best and i do have the feeling that you might just be so but you know me like the back of your hand so salvation wasn't an option anymore.

i really couldn't imagine how you felt lying in your side of my bed, knowing i was in someone else's car, knowing i was centimetres away from someone else shrouded by the darkness and anonymity of the theatre, only coming back to you mere hours before you had to wake up for work, not that you got any sleep anyway. but all you wanted was me and i was too willful and inconsiderate to consider your feelings for so many hours.

but still you persisted with generous gestures of love but by then i only saw them as suffocation and pushed you further away. i hope you know i'll always regret those monstrous actions of mine and the all consuming guilt too.

now look what you've done, you've headbutted your way into my life and spoilt me rotten and what are my next boyfriends going to do? i'll always be expecting the same from them. the same level of security, assurance, romance, sweetness but they'd be hard pressed to even come close so i'd better come to terms with that before i made some poor innocent guy as miserable as i made you. but perhaps that too, will not be possible because to be as miserable as you would mean to have to love me as much as you. not humanly possible.

i'll be eternally thankful for all the above niceties, taking the longest walks with you, going on the funnest drives, having the nicest meals and being the luckiest girl for 2.5 years.

i know in the last two weeks of our relationship, when you were slowly moving your belongings home and we weren't really together anymore, just a heartbroken stranger and an ice cold one sharing a bed; you still cuddled up to me and made sure i was warm and watched me sleep and kissed me before you left for work quietly. didn't know i knew that huh... but those acts of normality i came to expect were too painful to acknowledge because i put an expiry date on them.

funny i dont remember the date now but i'll always remember watching you walk down the corridor for the very very last time. expectedly you turned back to wave a last goodbye and that stab of pain that struck me lasted longer than you'd think.

so get over lousy me, pick yourself up, dont let me suffocate the crazy romantic you are and make some girl as insanely happy as you've made me. as i've always told you, you'd make a fantastic husband and father someday and you only deserve the best.

call this the love letter that came too late or the apology letter that will never suffice but i hope will all my heart that you'll be happy.

love, bat.