Saturday, July 22, 2006

hello again, it's bloody 8am and i was all ready to slip into sleep when for some reason, someone found her way into my mind and pervaded my thoughts, and alongside which, the compulsion has driven me to ramble again. don't you think sometimes, the more you think you know someone, the less you find yourself able to put words to the countless shared memories? well, that's happening now but i really need to get this out of my system, regardless of whether the muse for this entry is reading or not. you and i, we go way back to the days of wearing that potato sack of a uniform. that's something like 7 years ago and we were in distinctly different cliques. we might even have disliked each other at some point, probably because of adolescent trivialities. i think we got thick as thieves after Q got out of my life? gawd i can't believe i had that major thing with Q, don't you think? anyways, on hindsight, i think we had an unbelievably fucked up relationship. it was one of mutual admiration of positive traits the other didn't possess and some variation of jealousy i think. feel free to correct me on this. remember the days of skipping school and watching movies and reading and just having a general unfounded need to display rebellion? so funny. i feel like i have so much to tell you now. to expound my theories of our relationship and to just....talk. like we used to. unabashed verbal diarrhea. remember venus erwin banyar? hahaha that was such an idyllic life we led it was bordering on hedonistic. those recesses spent occupying an entire long table with farah and sue planning for the upcoming weekend, those long afternoons of never ending cigarettes and nonsense. those fridays and saturdays we spent in town with so many other girls. somehow along the way, something happened. i didn't like who you were becoming, buying your way into favour and friendships, and gaining an unsavoury rep with boys. not that i'm angelic enough to pass such judgement but when it is the truth, it is not judgement, no? it becomes a mere observation i suppose. don't hate me for the above statement, i'm still pretty much the same if you can bothered to know, hence the honesty. those boys, oh my gawd, those boys in our lives, collectively and individually. i bumped into someone at the club i mentioned in the previous entry that i think you had a thing with. forgot his name already. so many of them, the memory their names washed away by the tides of time. each one a lesson on his own, whether they know it or not - don't you agree? i stumbled upon your xanga some time earlier this year. i have no idea how the url got into my readership meter but i clicked on it out of curiousity and as soon as the page loaded, i knew it was yours. from the tiny ass font size to the colours you chose to the way words were put together, it all screamed you. and i couldn't not read, and well, there wasn't anything shocking or mind blowing but i guess i just sought comfort in knowing you are still sorta fundamentally you, yknow? it's a pity you shut it down, i wish you didnt. i felt guilty for doing something like that on the sly but my intentions were just to know you're ok. i messaged you when i heard about your loved one's accident but it wasn't immediate. something like 30 minutes after i received the news. then i found out you'd changed your number and i hadn't bother changing your old one when i got one of those mass sms-es. i'm glad to have read that he's on his way of recovery. you're resilient like crazy yknow? very very oddly, you remind me of who i'm with now. drastic, slightly crazy, resilient, stubborn. wow this is a whole new spectrum of fucked up and freaky. hahaha. if i could turn back time, i'd change a 1000 things about us, starting with not being close to you. ok i know that's an incredibly asshole-y thing to say, especially to an estranged friend but it's true. well at least i learnt some life lessons on the way, as cheesy as that sounds. also, if it weren't for you, i wouldn't have known farah who knew/knows anaiz who indirectly led me to my current partner. that's a terribly roundabout way and a whole lot of trials to get to the state of happiness i'm in now but thanks anyway. for some reason, i'm secretly hoping you'd read this, or some kaypoh will direct you to this. if you aren't who's supposed to be reading this, kudos for lasting so long haha. --------------------------- and also, as an afterthought, i have a few words to say to a fellow blogger. i am many things but i believe i am as un-thrashy as you are obese. au contraire to what you think, table tennis or ping pong as you call it, is a rather fun activity, however, given your girth, i fully understand how its virtues elude you. i normally dislike such virtual mud-slinging, but since i am 'childish' as you have boldly alluded to, i am merely perpetuating that notion by not only responding but also picking on your physique, since i owe you nothing and find it unnecessary to prove anything else to you. :)

the textual siege.

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